Category Archives: Blogs

Text Responses To The Most Annoying App On The Planet

Photo courtesy of Android
Photo courtesy of Android
There’s an app for Android called Cat Facts that allows you to send unlimited automated feline facts to all of your phone contacts. Why would you want to do this? Because you find humor in being an annoying fuck that wants to lose all of their friends. Also, you get to find out which of your friends have a proper sense of humor, and which ones will get butt-hurt at the slightest disturbance to their comfort. Should you decide to embark on this adventure of pissing people off, here are some actual responses you might see:
“These are interesting and useful cat facts. Thanks!”
“Fantastic info”
“Get me off cat facts services”
“Good facts”
“I hate cats”
“This is so epically amazing because I so needed this right now :)”

“Fuck off so hard….”
“You fucking dick”
“You know this makes you worse than Kevin, right?”
“please stop”
“You’re a form of AIDS, dickbag”
“Why are you doing this?”
“holy what the frick”
“What are you on right now? Because I need some”
“wth is with the cat facts?”
“you’re drunk”
“stop with the cat facts or I’ll block you”
“Cut the shit, I’m serious”
“Dude, the fuck?”
“Are you doing shrooms or something? And if so, why didn’t I get invited?”
“Cats also love Jefferson Airplane”
“Hey, quit testing your bits on me”
“What about Garfield?”
“You’re that bored?”
“Dude, what are you on tonight?”
“Jesus dude…”
“How high are you right now?”
“The Liger has similar issues as it is a forced man-made breed of tiger lion and usually doesn’t live very long and I don’t think they can have offspring either”
“Ummmmmmm are you OK? lol”

“That’s not surprising, they fuck like rabbits.”
“Alright, what’s your game”
“cats are the fucking worst”
“my urine glows in the sunlight. So fucking what?”
“lol, I love cat facts”
“Ha, I just looked at my phone, thanks for the kitty cat history lesson my friend! What’s up?”

“The fact that I saw the movie Keanu today and this is happening is serendipity on a level I can’t comprehend”
“The AT&T subscriber you are trying to reach is currently roaming outside of our coverage area”
“I live across the hall, will rape you in your sleep. Goodnight.”
“Cats have thirty vertebrae while humans only have five… you’re gonna wake up with six”
“Damn you”
“I feel like I could be a cat expert after this”
“Male ducks have corkscrew shaped penises”
“Are you doing a character? Autistic cat kid?”
“I don’t like cats, or cat related wisdoms”
“Huh????? Oh, ok.”
“That’s bullshit, yes they do”
“That seems legit”
“bangin your head against the wall burns 150 calories an hour”
“OK, now I feel like you’re making shit up, lol”
“Why me?”
“tryin to sleep man, leave me alone”
This is the only way I like cats
This is the only way I like cats

“lol, why would would you throw a cat 8 floors to find that out?”
“ok stop, I’m trying to enjoy my vacation”
“You were always a piece of shit”
The important part about this is that we’ll all know a little more about cats now. Doing good work human race… real top notch stuff.

Open Mic Stories – Do you beatbox? | Kevin Thomas Jr

Kevin Thomas Jr | Buffalo, NY Comedy | Open Mic Stories“Do you beatbox?”

Nothing about my four minutes on stage indicated that this is the question to lead with, but I’ve got to finish this drink, so let’s see where this goes.

“No. Why?”

“Just a vibe I got watching your performance.”

Could he ground his hypothesis in anything more ethereal? Then again, this dude is wearing several hemp necklaces. He may be doing the best he can with what he has: socially, mentally, hypothetically, realistically.
I’m being unfair. We all have flaws. By way of analogy, I’m the one you see rushing into the ocean as it recedes from the beach while the locals seek higher ground. It’s an imperfect comparison, though, because it’s not that I don’t know a tsunami is coming; I just think I can have a laugh before it gets here. It isn’t that a towering guy with dilated pupils and unrelenting eye contact doesn’t register as one of those “nod, smile, and walk away” situations. I just don’t think about that until I’m in way too deep.
“Your vibes are off, yo. I don’t beatbox,” I say.
“I like what you did up there. I like what everyone is doing up there tonight. The energy in this room tonight- I just feel it and absorb it and internalize it and now I want to give it back, you know? I’m a rapper and I’m a part of this whole collective with rappers and graffiti artists and DJ’s and beatboxers and skaters and ventriloquists…”
Yikes. This has gone off the rails. Did he just say he’s a rapper? I’ve got to ask a probing question.
“Oh, word?”
“Yeah, bro! That’s why I thought I heard something in your voice. Something about your voice and how you were telling jokes. You got a flow with your words, so I thought you might beatbox.”
Sound reasoning, but if you want to keep talking, I need to start talking mad shit to make this worth it: “Listen, I’m glad my aura is so steeped in rap music that you came to that conclusion, but enough with the beatboxing. Why would anyone beatbox? It’s so uninteresting. I think they left it off the list of four elements to Hip-hop just so people would stop doing it.”
Kind of mean, but I’m testing mettle. His and mine, I guess.
“Oh, no, it’s cool, bro. I just was trying to connect with you because the audience and the comedy and the vibes and the other pseudoscience, new age buzz words; and I think I’ll throw in another ‘beatbox’ for good measure…”
“You look high as hell, dawg. What are you on?”
“I’m OFF fluoride.”
“Yeah, bro, fluoride free for four years. My consciousness is clearer now.”
“What water do you drink?”
“Some bottled water doesn’t have fluoride added.”
“What about toothpaste?”
“I use this special toothpaste from China.”
“Oh, so you’re fluoride free but not necessarily lead free? This is all starting to make sense.”
This is the point where my resolve breaks. I’m all about shitting on people who are in command of their faculties, but this deer-in-headlights, thousand-yard-ish stare, possibly lead poisoned hippie is where I draw the line. His staunch sincerity and lack of response to my ribbing doesn’t make me feel good.
“Cool, yo. I’ll, uh, I’ll check you later.”
The only thing that can prolong this is if he starts to…
“May I rap for you?”
“Every excellent rap I’ve ever heard began with a polite inquiry, so yes.”
He raps, but what I hear is stream of consciousness rambling containing the various joke premises and punchlines he could recall from the comics on stage earlier in the night. It could have been a beautiful collage of one night of Buffalo comedy at Milkie’s had he any sense of what words rhyme with other words or how rap works in general.
“…….. And… I’m… going to use the n-word/ but won’t because it’s offensive and that’s right/ unless that word is nnnnneeext….level… conscious rap!”
“I, uh… I like how you strung together ideas from, uh… different sets.”
“I’m humbled. Great connecting with you.” He puts his hands together and slightly bows. “Peace, man.”

– Kevin Thomas Jr

* Kevin is a local Buffalo Comedian, Regular contributor on PFF and co-host of “Another Podcast…

2 Years Into Comedy – A Letter From The Editor

Brian Netzel | Project Funny Face
I know what you’re thinking…

“Great, another newer comic writing an article where he tells everyone everything he thinks he knows about comedy….”
Nope. That’s not what this is, so please don’t finish your reactionary eye-roll. Consider this to be a publicly view-able journal entry about my life for the last 2 years(approximately). It’s more for me than it is for anyone else. This way, I can sit on my inevitable deathbed in a decade and write a book no one will read or care about.
I honestly don’t know shit, have accomplished very little, and the only way I can talk about comedy with any integrity is by describing my own life experiences in that environment. I can barely write a complete sentence, so writing an article “about” comedy is not in my toolbox. So here’s some entries that I felt had a signifigant impact on me.
January of 2014:
I told my girlfriend of 8 years “I think I want to try stand-up comedy. There’s some open mics and improv workshops in town(seemed like the proper place to start evaluating my interest).”
Her response: “You’re not funny.”
The relationship was already strained from years of both of us being psychotic egomaniacs, but that statement, for some reason, told me it was time to do something else with my life. I started writing jokes that day.
A few weeks later, I start seeing a girl who does way too many drugs for my taste. It was an ‘okay’ relationship at best, and if nothing else, helped me forget about my ex.
Some time around March of 2014:
I find out I have some heart problems. After a trip to the emergency room at the VA hospital, I decide to get the ball rolling, and enroll in an improv workshop. I have never performed anything before, and those workshops helped immensely to put me in a proper frame of mind and body to be able to finally get myself to a stage.
April 2014:
I go to my first open mic. I have to go up 2nd. Normally the newest comic goes up first in that room, but I got lucky because a talking mime showed up.
Here’s my set-list:
1. If you’re disappointed it’s because I’m trailer trash.
2. What age is it appropriate to start shitting your pants again?
3. Saw a sign that said ‘Watch out for motorcycles’…
4. Did they watch out for motorcycles on ‘Dukes of Hazzard’?
5. I’d fuck my cousin if…
6. Daisy’s favorite sex position.
I drink 4 strong beers to work up the courage to get on stage.
Most of my jokes land, I don’t blow the light, and the veteran comics told me I did really well.
I go back the next week and I eat the biggest plate of my own balls.
About 4 weeks later I finally have an actual conversation with the other comics.
I start smoking again after 2 years of no cigarettes.
July of 2014
I perform in a comedy club’s “Funniest Person in Buffalo” competition and tell a joke about raping Dorothy from ‘Wizard of Oz’ because her friends were retarded. I ate my balls. On a side note, that joke worked really well at a mic. It was at this point I realized the importance of working out material in different types of audiences.
I also pay to take a writing class with one of Buffalo’s self-proclaimed “premier” comics. It was a complete waste of my time, and by the 2nd class I realized I just handed a guy $160 to listen to him list his “credits”. I use each of the 2 hour classes to write and design a website.
September of 2014
I go to what is commonly referred to as ‘Comedy Camp’. It used to be a venue out in the country where Buffalo comics performed in front of the most redneck people I’ve ever laid eyes on. I didn’t perform, just got invited to watch. It was for a good cause, and the some dude in a wheelchair got some money I think. I had no idea comedy could be performed outside of clubs and bars. We drank and partied until the sun came up. I made some lifelong friends that day.
October 2014(I think)
I get booked on my first showcase at one of the seediest bars in Buffalo that has since closed. The host is a local freak-show act that I respect deeply for his ability to torture his body and feel nothing. He’s a Troma film actor and a super nice guy. He starts the show by walking on glass, putting a power drill up his nose and blowing off firecrackers in his mouth. My set was junk. Fortunately only 6 people saw it. The crowd was weak at best until the headliner showed up. He was a NYC comic and also a Troma film actor. I laughed really fucking hard, and finally could enjoy myself. At the very end of the set, he agreed to have a rat-trap slammed on his balls by the host. That was weird.
November 2014
I sign up for a 10-week comedy contest at a bbq restaurant. The purse was supposed to be a winner-take-all $1000. By week 2 we all realize what a shit show it is(we named ourselves ‘JD’s Supper Club’). When 7 comics were left, we all agreed to split the winnings on a tiered scale. It lasted 6 weeks. I end up winning. The owner reluctantly gives me a $600 check that I cash 20 minutes later. I handed out the money to the other comics that week. Some of them I’ll never see again.
I start recording a podcast with a more experienced comic and learn a ton about audio recording and web-programming. I enjoy it immediately.
December 2014
I start seeing a comic. This is a terrible idea because comic-brained people are usually insane and 2 insane people should not be allowed to get involved romantically.
(disclaimer: crazy people fuck better and have way more fun)
February 2015
I start seeing another comic. Still a terrible idea.
I quit my $50K chef-job because I’m sitting on a pile of money and want the nights free to hit more mics.
I have a podcast with a person who is on TV. It was awesome. I exhausted myself laughing.
April 2015
I have 10 shows this month. This will never happen again. I don’t know how it happened to begin with.
I start a Sunday-night mic with the podcast co-host. The results were ‘meh’. It was a safe place to get really fucked up with my friends.
I start filling the empty rooms in my house with comics that need a place to live.
August 2015
I host my first local showcase at the club. It was great. The GM of the club leaves about a month later. I miss that guy’s honesty. He had a huge hand in helping me tighten up my sets.
I take part in the 48 hour film festival. We do a comedy about a dog-groomer who drunkenly wakes up at a lumberjack event. You can find that film here. This is my first encounter with film people. I really enjoy their work ethic and their companionship. Film people are great humans and I will always love them.
October 2015
I travel to Nashville to see some friends and check out the comedy scene. I noticed a few things that are different than the scene in Buffalo.
1. The booker for their club was at the open mics scouting the talent
2. The crowds seemed less politically correct.
3. They take DIY endeavors beyond just marketing themselves, and really indulge in the art of production.
My first few mics in Nashville were really rough and it felt like doing comedy for the first time all over again, but by my third time on stage, I was getting good laughs and enjoying myself.
I spent the last night there drinking champagne with models on the roof of a swanky hotel. The south still seems to have the largest concentration of attractive women I’ve ever seen (sorry Buffalo).
November 2015
I get hired as a Production Assistant on a feature film that will be released on Netflix. The film people I worked with before got me the job. I work 14-18 hours a day, as does everyone else. I learned more about film in 4 weeks, than I would’ve gotten with a film degree. The entire crew was work hard/party hard type people. I end up getting a part as an extra as a ‘masked man’, and get to carry a body in that particular shot.
December 2015
I get handed the oldest and longest running comedy room in Buffalo. I still have no idea what this means, but I know it’s a huge responsibility that I try my hardest not to fuck up. You can find a great article about that venue through an oral history here.
January 2016
I start seeing another comic. Still a bad idea.
February 2016
I have a complete mental and emotional breakdown. Without my friends, I wouldn’t be alive today. They cared enough to keep me on watch for a few days.
April 2016
I start filming sketch comedy and learn a ton about the editing process. You can find my first one here. I realize I have to keep doing different creative endeavors. I love stage time, but I hate not having more of it. I fear that I’ll plateau rather quickly if I stop taking on new projects.
At the end of 2 years, I have had no words of wisdom besides this: Keep your head down and work at comedy as much as possible. Keep the ego in check and stay out of the drama. You’ll get booked on shows if you’re easy to work with and funny enough. In the meantime, keep working on both those things.
Brian Netzel